If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You (4/5 Stars)

Per the audio commentary of Requiem for a Dream (2000), when Darren Aronofsky was adapting the novel into a screenplay, he made a realization about the fundamental nature of the plot. Requiem for a Dream was ostensibly a drama about four characters, each dealing with substance abuse, but the arc of the story more resembled a horror movie. That is, like a horror movie, at various twists and turns in the normal course of a plot, things kept on getting worse for the characters, like consistently getting worse. In realization of this, Darren Aronofsky leant into it and turned out a rather atypical movie. The lives of the characters unravelled in the manner of a horror plot, but without a stereotypical horror villain or even a monster (unless, of course, you count the refrigerator).

As a prime example of this, Aronofsky told a story about an actor who later said that the direction he had received from Aronofsky was the hardest direction he had ever received in his career. The scene is quick, and the actor plays one of the main character's doctor.  She is at the doctor's office for a check-up and she is presently suffering from her medication. The doctor comes in speaking and moving fast. He prescribes more pills and leaves. What was difficult about the direction is that Aronofsky told the actor to never look at his patient during the scene. This was difficult because it flies in face of every natural human instinct, especially those of a doctor. But the horror plot required it because if the doctor had noticed that his patient was experiencing terrible side effects from the medication, things wouldn’t have gotten even worse.

I was reminded of Requiem for a Dream when I watched If I Had Legs I’d Kick You and also various other movies in the limited universe of movies that look like dramas but work like horror movies (Safe 1995, The Father 2020) and also that one horror movie that is really just about sleep deprivation (The Badadook 2014). A woman named Linda (played by Rose Byrne) in If I Had Legs I’d Kick You with a daughter that is suffering from a mysterious illness that takes up all the time she has in which she isn’t already working as a professional therapist. Her husband is in the navy and available only by phone. She does not appear to have any other family or friends. Then she comes home one day to find that a giant leak has busted through the ceiling of her bedroom necessitating the evacuation of rented apartment to a nearby motel.

The writer and director of this movie is Mary Bronstein who also plays a role as the passive-aggressive Dr. Spring. She makes a very interesting choice in framing as most of the movie heavily relies on close-ups of Rose Byrne even in scenes which include her daughter (played by Delaney Quinn). Her daughter is not named, is never seen, and only makes her presence known by audibly complaining. This directorial choice greatly helps the build-up of tension in the plot. Speaking as a parent, I think one of the ways one’s child reduces the amount of annoyance/stress taking care of them entails, is by looking generally adorable. The nature of the mysterious illness also builds the tension. There isn’t much known about it other than Dr. Spring's diagnosis that the child needs to gain lots of weight quickly. This makes feeding the picky eater that much more of an ordeal.

Then there is all the therapy that takes place in this movie. But as amply demonstrated in this movie, therapy has its limits, and in certain circumstances is pointless. Therapy helps people who have enough time and money to meaningfully engage in it. To give an extreme example, if your country is experiencing a famine, it isn’t going to help to be able to talk to a therapist about how hungry you are. Therapy is something that balances an over-active mind in times of quiet. I am reminded of a great scene in As Good As it Gets (1997) when the mother (Helen Hunt) has an intense conversation about all sorts of fresh anxieties popping up in her mind because her continually sick child is no longer continually sick and thus is no longer monopolizing her attention span. Linda does not have mental issues. The terrible things that are happening in this movie are logistical and would burn out any normal person. What she needs is help, and she is not receiving it.

The therapy sessions are particularly interesting though because Linda is a therapist. In between her own work, she seeks therapy from a colleague, played by the late night talk show host Conan O’Brien in an inspired bit of casting. What she needs, her therapist cannot provide. (She primarily needs someone to take on a permanent shift in looking after her kid and to fix her ceiling so she can go home). He can’t give her what she needs and she gets increasingly distraught. But there is nothing that this therapist can say to her. She asks him to tell her what to do. He replies (correctly) that she should get some sleep. In one trying scene, I thought it might be a good idea if he gave her a hug, but that didn’t happen either.

This is a movie that relies on performances. Rose Byrne does a very good job and I expect she will receive awards recognition. It is one of those roles that is tough to go head-to-head with when comparing performances because this one requires more acting. Almost every scene is a difficult one. I think under the radar perhaps is the performance of Conan O’Brien who is an unlikely model of restraint in his scenes. Once more a comedian turns in a fine dramatic performance which could mean one of two things: 1) We should not underestimate comedians, or 2) dramatic performances aren’t so hard. This is writer/director Mary Bronstein’s first movie in fifteen years (she made a movie called Yeast in 2008 that I have never heard of). She should make more of them.