He knows the score. He gets the women. He kills the bad guys.
Above all things, “Machete” is a joke. It first appeared as a fake movie trailer shown before writer/director Robert Rodriguez’s classic zombie movie “Planet Terror.” It was perhaps one of the best trailers I’ve ever seen. Among other ridiculous things the trailer promised, was the first starring role for iconic badass Danny Trejo as a Mexican day laborer who is setup and betrayed by anti-immigrant bad guys, a gun toting priest played by Cheech Marin, a threesome romp with the head bad guy’s wife and daughter, and a hell of lot of fatal revenge by machete. It ended with Trejo installing a machine gun turret on a motorcycle, jumping it off a ramp while something very explosive goes off in the background, and unloading a massive hail of bullets at the bad guys. Then the voiceover helpfully informed us that “They Just Fucked with the wrong Mexican!” Apparently I wasn’t the only one who really wanted to see that movie because here we are, two years later, with the feature length version.
The genre of Machete is Grindhouse. It’s the kind of cheap movie that used to be shown in run down theaters and drive-ins and proudly offered little more than sex and violence (or as they say in the business, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.) Most of these movies really sucked, but the attitude of them was inspiring to several now prominent filmmakers like Tarantino and Rodriguez. Because Grindhouse movies were cheap to make and the audience was content as long as there was fighting and nudity, directors and writers (if there were any) were very free to be, let’s say, provocative. No suit from the studio was there to tell them they couldn’t do something. Thus, there are no rules of decorum in a Grindhouse movie. And this movie, Machete, is no different. The prologue consists of Machete, as a Federale in Mexico, breaking into a drug lord’s house in order to rescue a kidnapped woman. The guards are dispatched by machete. It’s a credit to Rodriguez imagination that every single one is killed in a different way. The woman, when Machete finds her, is completely naked because “it’s too hot out for clothes.” No matter, he throws her over his shoulder and proceeds to make his escape by killing more bad guys. But then the woman double-crosses Machete and shoots him. As Machete is writhing on the floor she takes a very small cell phone out of the only place you can hide something when you’re naked and relays her success. The drug lord played by Steven Seagal shows up. He chides Machete for being a righteous troublemaker, shoots the naked lady for some reason, and then brings out Machete’s wife whom he decapitates with a katana. He explains that the only honorable way for Machete to die is if he cut off his head also (because apparently this Mexican drug lord also moonlights as a samurai) but that Machete has no honor. So what Steven Seagal does is light the house on fire (remember this is the drug lord’s house). Presumably Machete escaped because three years later he is an illegal immigrant in America looking for gardening work. The movie never explains exactly how. The rest of the plot is just as ridiculous.
Almost by definition a Grindhouse movie can’t be a good movie in the ordinary sense (i.e. realistic action, believable characters, decent editing, production value) but they can succeed, and often do, in never being boring and this is what Machete, by and large, accomplishes. There are plenty of funny one-liners, gratuitous nudity, and violence which is often and outrageous. The high point of gruesomeness occurs when Machete escapes from a hospital by cutting open a bad guy’s stomach, grabbing his intestine, and using it like a rope to lower himself out a window. (Machete is not the type of guy who bothers to open windows before going out them.) When a scene is that unbelievable I don’t think it can possibly be scary. The correct reaction is WTF and lots of nervous laughter. I had the good fortune of being in an audience that appreciated the audaciousness of such a moment. They applauded and cheered. Quite frankly, I liked it too. And I must admit I also enjoyed watching incredibly hot scantily clad women striking fierce poses and shooting semiautomatic machine guns. This movie has more of that than any I’ve ever seen. We’ve got Jessica Alba, Michele Rodriguez, the Crazy Babysitter Twins, and Lindsay Lohan doing exactly that at regular intervals. A bad movie? Sure you can definitely argue that. Boring? I don’t think so.
There are also huge political overtones in this movie. Whether it is serious or not is anyone’s guess but either way but it does do a great job of illustrating the old maxim that the best way to make somebody feel foolish is to zealously agree with them. There is a rabid anti-immigrant senator played by Robert De Niro, his corrupt corporate backer played by Jeff Fahey, and a border vigilante played by Don Johnson. Illegal aliens are compared to cockroaches and terrorists. There is a plan to build an electric fence. The Senator is afraid that Illegals will try to take over his country, and then goes on to clarify that term as Texas. And you know what? The Senator is right. The Mexicans in this movie really are organized and have been hoarding arms and munitions in preparation of a race war. At the climax of the movie, a “code” is sent out to “The Network” and every single dishwasher, gardener, and maid in the state stops working and forms an army to confront the vigilantes. They parade down the street in hysterically stereotypical tricked-out cars with hydraulics. They’re armed with guns and gardening tools. Loud Mariachi music is trumpeted in the background. Is this what were afraid of when we talk about an illegal invasion? Because that would be ridiculous. Your enjoyment of this movie will probably depend on your view of Mexican immigration in general. I tend to be more liberal when it comes to that thing. I can't say I know enough about the subject to give a truly educated argument, but on a gut level I'm at least convinced that this summer’s “anchor baby” debate was purely idiotic. Surely any woman who has the courage and spirit to hike 100 miles across a dangerous desert while pregnant should be granted citizenship on the spot. That type of backbone is what this country needs. Besides they make good tacos.
My enjoyment of this movie was also greatly enhanced by the fact that I am a huge fan of Robert Rodriguez and am familiar with most of the actors. I loved the fact that Danny Trejo finally got a starring role. This will probably be the only one he ever gets. I fondly remember Tom Savini, the Crazy Babysitter Sisters, and the Doctor from Planet Terror and am glad they all showed up again. Cheech Marin is consistently funny as a gun-toting priest that tapes confessions and drinks communal wine. And it’s about time somebody put an eye-patch on Michele Rodriguez, dressed her in black leather, and gave her a big fucking gun. What I missed however was a cameo by Quentin Tarantino. Ever since his stand-out role in “Planet Terror” as Rapist #1 I’ve had a renewed appreciation for his acting ability, at least in roles where he’s a psycho villain. It would have been cool if say, he played the Mexican/Samurai drug lord instead of Steven Segal, who didn’t do that hot of a job in this movie. Jessica Alba wasn’t very impressive either although she did have this one great line where she climbed a jalopy and proclaimed to a crowd of Mexican day laborers, “We didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us!” Does that line make sense? Could this possibly be considered “good” writing? Maybe, maybe not. But she shouted it with such fervor and gusto that it was certainly entertaining to watch. It wasn’t boring.
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