The first thing we see is Vicky, Cristina, and Barcelona. They have just arrived and are taking a cab from the airport to where they are staying for the summer. An unknown narrator describes them in excruciating detail. Vicky is this sort of person, Cristina is that sort of person. I suppose Woody Allen didn't want to bring any subtlety to the introduction of his characters. He lays down the gauntlet right away. This is the way they are! They aren't like anything else! Rules, rules, rules, and no, audience, its not going to take a half hour to figure out what makes these people tick. It will be bluntly put forth in the first 30 seconds. I got the idea that the first voiceover (okay there's these two girls, one's uptight, the others a free spirit, they're, like, in Barcelona!) was the actual pitch Allen made to the producers. Then I remembered that Woody Allen is the producer, and he simply doesn't care what anyone thinks. If he wants to narrate the picture with such predestined rigidity as to the characters actions and feelings, well we're just going to have to go along with it. Have some faith I guess, we've entered his world as soon as we bought the ticket. I guess I asked for it.
For the first two thirds of the movie, its worth it. Slowly we are seduced by intoxicating performances, Spanish guitar, and quasi-romantic language. There are no stunts, action sequences, or 'look at me, I'm directing' camerawork. In fact, the director seems absent, he leaves all of the work up to the actors. What a good idea. Anchoring the movie are Rebecca Hall as Vicky and Scarlett Johansson as Cristina. They become enamored with a Spanish modern artist played by Javier Bardem, coming fresh off of his Oscar winning turn as a serial killer. The girls hear that Javier ex-wife tried to kill him. Vicky is shocked, Cristina is intrigued. She makes eyes with him across the room and he walks over and very bluntly, asks them to join him for a weekend of wine, sightseeing, and making love. What Bardem says and how he says it makes this seem okay, its quite extraordinary. He convinces Cristina at least. Woody Allen has fun using Spanish to impose upon Javier a sense of innocence. If he was better at English, he wouldn't seem so honest and innocent. His phrases are always blunt and to the point. When speaking of art and love, his simple sayings sound deep. Long story short, he beds them both. He asks Cristina to live with him, not Vicki. Vicki is hurt. They have a conversation in Gaudi Park that sounds something like this: "Why don't you like me?" "You have a fiance" "But you slept with me?" "I don't get your point" "What do you mean you don't get it?" "I solly, no speaky English." There's a little more to it, but you get the idea.
Anyway, Cristina moves in and that's when the movie for a short time becomes something really special. Remember the ex-wife who tried to kill Javier. Well she's played by Penelope Cruz and just tried to kill herself. So, concerned, Javier invites her to stay with him. He doesn't ask Cristina to move out mind you, just decides to live with both of them. Did someone say awkward. The next couple of scenes are pure gold, especially the ones between Cruz and Bardem. Here we have two of the best Spanish actors in the business. Now watch them talk in and out of Spanish and English with great fluency, always mad at each other, and with great intensity. Two very impossible people madly in love with each other. Whew, you'd wish the rest of the movie would be about them and only them.
Unfortunately, at this point, the story reverts back to Vicki and cashes in on a storyline that I have seen in basically every single one of Allen's movies: Marital infidelity. Vicki is in a loveless marraige and wants out. There's even the line 'I love him, but I'm not in love with him.' Please kill me. Not only does this stoyline not add a damn thing, but it actually makes Vicki, who was a great character, into that annoying little archetype of an immature dolt that populates the worst of Allen's movies. I think this movie proves that it takes much more creativity to create characters that love each other than ones that are bored with each other. Maybe that's true in life too. Is it easier to be bored, than to be filled with passion? Which kind of relationship do you think would take more creativity and ingenuity? Which one, Woody Allen, would you rather watch in a movie?
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